Ummm

from the moment i said yes i knew i couldn't back out. it was something like selling your soul to the devil. i gave up all my dreams. i started to live each day as 24 hours. what came came. what happened happened. i had no expectations, hope or dream. that was what the contract said. to gain one thing i had wanted meant i have to give up everything.

to gain his acceptance and his trust id do anything, even if it meant throwing away my life. his conditions were that i make the honor class and graduate first in class. that i become what he wanted me to become. and i signed it.

i imposed the burden on myself. i gave up everything to hear him say that he trusts me. i remember the pain i felt as i burnt all my brushes and paintings. as i watched the flames eat up all the negatives. no one but me would no what those has meant to me. they were the only friends who had seen me through my tears. the only friends who had comforted me through the years of pain. and i was throwing them away. it was such a betrayal.

when i boarded the flight to leave and when i landed the shore of the new land all i could feel was remorse. during the last few weeks i had become a hollow object. i had shrunken. i had become nothing. i had only one mission. i had to complete it and then go back home. my only hope was that i get what i wanted. in my case i wanted to hear what i've always wanted to hear.

people i knew wanted to meet me. they found the vast changes. they found me totally alienated from their world. the world i used to belong. i knew the changes that had engulfed me was not good. it was slowly destroying me.

i found my self on the hospital bed. i remember being on the graduation. wearing the robe. i remember graduating first in class. i remember smiling for the camera. i remember him shaking my hands refusing to hug me. i remember those words. " you ve made me very proud"

but here i am lying with tubes going in and out of my body. trying to reflect on the past few months i feel ashamed. was hearing those words worth my life? had been worth it. i closed my eyes feeling betrayed. betrayed by me.