Ummm

from the moment i said yes i knew i couldn't back out. it was something like selling your soul to the devil. i gave up all my dreams. i started to live each day as 24 hours. what came came. what happened happened. i had no expectations, hope or dream. that was what the contract said. to gain one thing i had wanted meant i have to give up everything.

to gain his acceptance and his trust id do anything, even if it meant throwing away my life. his conditions were that i make the honor class and graduate first in class. that i become what he wanted me to become. and i signed it.

i imposed the burden on myself. i gave up everything to hear him say that he trusts me. i remember the pain i felt as i burnt all my brushes and paintings. as i watched the flames eat up all the negatives. no one but me would no what those has meant to me. they were the only friends who had seen me through my tears. the only friends who had comforted me through the years of pain. and i was throwing them away. it was such a betrayal.

when i boarded the flight to leave and when i landed the shore of the new land all i could feel was remorse. during the last few weeks i had become a hollow object. i had shrunken. i had become nothing. i had only one mission. i had to complete it and then go back home. my only hope was that i get what i wanted. in my case i wanted to hear what i've always wanted to hear.

people i knew wanted to meet me. they found the vast changes. they found me totally alienated from their world. the world i used to belong. i knew the changes that had engulfed me was not good. it was slowly destroying me.

i found my self on the hospital bed. i remember being on the graduation. wearing the robe. i remember graduating first in class. i remember smiling for the camera. i remember him shaking my hands refusing to hug me. i remember those words. " you ve made me very proud"

but here i am lying with tubes going in and out of my body. trying to reflect on the past few months i feel ashamed. was hearing those words worth my life? had been worth it. i closed my eyes feeling betrayed. betrayed by me.

HOLIDAY JOURNAL (PART II)

Fraser’s hill happened during the Chinese New Year, and when it was over well college started to most of us. Most of them got sick after the Fraser’s hill. I went off to Sun Way again for an overnight to watch a football match with my friend C. A match played by Liverpool against Chelsea. They match ended with a tie which well was kind of disappointing (I support Liverpool).

After the match things were quite simple. At night it was poker. In the mornings well I slept. Then came the big day, when we all went to the zoo. Some of my friends we all went to the zoo a trip that we all had being anticipating for quite some time. Though we had switch trains and travel for quite sometime the trip to the zoo was fun though I broke my glasses just before I headed there. (I fell while jumping in the toilet – never jump in toilet)

It was kind of fun watching all the animals. Especially most animals hid from us while others put a show for us… like the camel started peeing when we went to see him. Then there was at ape world … we saw Farey counting stars or feeling fed up watching just one star in the sky (*giggles, snicker and says hope you don’t kill me* . But the most exciting moment for me was when I got to hold the snake. At my previous apartment we have a pet snake. A ball python to be exact whose name is “Aneesa”. I used to be scared but since I got introduced to Aneesa I fell in love with it. If it’s a python I can handle it. Then there was the moment I saw the tigers... I‘ve always loved cats. And seeing the tigers, lions, puma, and all those cats… well it was awesome. The day at zoo ended with bears, where we saw arufius… (*bears are cute*)

twice my height twice my weight

star gazer staring up... aka newton trying to figure gravity

he wants to take a swim before he goes off see his mate!

After I came home from zoo… I realized that I had broken my glasses and was kind of upset. I mean it was the third time I had broken it this year (2008). I was way too careless. The next day to console my self over my broken glasses I bought my laptop and before I could unpack it from the box, I made a spontaneous decision to go to Singapore.

On 18^th morning I left to Singapore with my then house mate and the owner of “Aneesa”. After a not so long but long trip I arrived to the shores litter free but not glitter free Singapore. On arrival the immigration lady told me that I don’t look like the girl in my passport and looked at me for sometime which kind of scared me out. Well it must be the most boring place on earth, which I am sure most of you would deny. Maybe I have something against the country. For one thing they don’t have a very vivid culture (duh they wont of course). Upon hearing this argument my mother told me that no culture is there culture. Well mom that sucks.

Any ways the main reason I went there, was to see Santana and the minor reason to see my best friend and Farey. I didn’t have the ticket, but at the last moment a miracle happened. Yeah I got the ticket close from the stage, close enough to see Santana’s figure to recognize that’s him. Well whatever. The show was awesome. The ambience, the music and the lights, they were all excellent. After the show well I had nothing to do so I crashed with my best friend which was fun.

litter free

santana live

Next morning I went out to play pool met up with Farey and got ready to come home. But before I come home let me tell u something that I loved about Singapore and made me want to return there with a better camera apart from my best friend being there- the buildings and the street signs. Okay now I can return home.

cool buildings

Upon returning home I bid farewell to arufius and my best friend’s younger sister. And then I moved in with my best friends elder sister. Singapore kind of made me really broke. Hence since then I’ve been sitting home in my room mostly with my lap top interacting with my bisexual, and playboy boyfriend “the internet”

After being deprived of internet services for last five months I finally get it, and guess what happens? - My social life and interaction with other human kind falls by 90% all due to internet. You don’t think I m addicted to it do you? I mean I don’t take my laptop to toilet or when I go swimming or shopping or to dinner table.

There are three days of my holidays left and I don’t think anything exciting will happen. If anything does happen, ill write about it!

HOLIDAY JOURNAL. (PART I)

Holiday is the time for fun and relaxing. It is a time to get away from work or studies. I’ve never had a holiday in which I got to do things as I wanted. It was always planned out for me by my parents. Except this time I wasn’t with them, for them to decide what I wanted.

I got a semester break of one month after my first semester exam. I was sick with flu during the exams and even after the exams it didn’t go away. When the holiday started I wasn’t sure how I wanted to spend it. While my mom insisted that I come to male’ for the holidays I was very much sure that I didn’t want that. Why waste 600$ on my tickets to Male’ when I can spend it here in Malaysia to enjoy and explore. So what were my excuses not to go to male’?

No one would be in Male’ which was true because they all had school and my friends were still studying where the wind had blown them to. Its boring there and id have nothing to do except loaf around. Any way I didn’t go saying that I don’t have the money to go. So how did I spend it?

My holidays started by being in bed for a day or two with fever and bad cold that I was totally ignoring. With that as a burden on my shoulder, I went to visit a close and old friend (friend A), a friend from my A’ levels (friend B) and a friend I made while out with my housemates (friend C). I stayed with friend A for one night and went out to shoot some arrows in pyramid with friend B. Which was fun considering that I was shooting every where else except where I am suppose to. Maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration but I was bad at it. Anyways what do you expect, the bow it self was taller than me. My friend B has the proof.

me the robin hood female version

really bad robin hood number two is where my first arrow struck!

look here the bow is taller than me no wonder i suck!

After the archery I went out with friend C to a late night outing. We came home really late. It was so late that my mom would definitely have a heart attack if she found out. (Oops I forgot my mom probably reads this blog, never mind). After we came back we stayed up chatting and decided to take a dip in the pool. My friend C went in first and it was cold. I know it’s an unstated rule, to avoid swimming especially early in the morning when the pool is freezing when one is having a cold/flu. I broke it like I break most rules. I had to face the consequences when I woke up the next morning.

I woke up to find that I have no voice. I had no bloody voice. I had to whisper. All my chit chats were like secret whispers. And I suffered for two whole days. I had to tolerate with the teasing with a huff. I would have loved to yell each time someone said something but unfortunately I had severe laryngitis.

Upon returning to KL the very next day I found out my best friend was in town visiting her sister. After seeing the doc about my stolen voice and bad cold I went off to meet my best friend and got invited to go on a trip with them. Traveling and I go pretty well unlike archery. I went with them to a hilly area in north of Malaysia called the Fraser’s Hill.

Fraser hill trip was my first trip with a group of friends who were my age. No wonder it turned out great. From the start to end it was awesome. The best part of the trip was the fact that I found out what the poets actually mean when they say “like the fog silently sweeps in to the night”. I stayed up all night watching the fog roll in. I enjoyed the whistles and the howling of the wind that was both eerie and creepy. All those creepy sounds of the nature, and creepy sights I witnessed were awesome. For someone who freezes at any temperature below 24 degree Celsius I did pretty well below 17. The best part about the trip was the jungle trekking.

We explored two trails – The Hemmant Trail and the Bishops Trail. Going through the narrow steep trails made me feel kind of happy, I mean it was fun but tiring… any ways this is the end of the first half of my holiday… ill tell you about the other half as soon as I can write it all down .

exploring the Bishops trail. all of us except for three of them who are missing!
me and my best bud taking a walk

near the clock tower only one of us missing!